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Post by UsagiOkami on Jun 9, 2010 12:15:48 GMT -5
Nope, you simply rewrote his personality. You have to write a post that shows how Clive responds to things, how he got mixed up in the plot and what he plans to do about it now.
Alright here, I will write up a quick example using a character that I haven't even made because it would take me too long and i just woke up lol.
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Sherry was tired as she trudged along the path to the castle, as usual she hadn't had enough sleep due to the combined efforts of late hours working on projects, and early hours trying to make the long walk up to the castle. It was times like this that she wished she lived closer but then she remembered that the distance to the castle is what saved her life when the Mages were poisoned. She recalled the madness of that day with ease, It was a bittersweet day to be sure. Because of that day she lost her Uncle to the poisons, and at the same time got a job which she desperately needed.
As a child she was constantly teased by the other children for her being different, not many seven year olds were apprentice Mages. She had shown a knack for it at a young age and then started training with her Uncle when they realized that she could manipulate her element at a young age. Her mother always thought she was sink since she constantly ran a fever and looked flushed, it was however just her element manifesting itself in her body. Though because of it she could withstand heat and cold with ease.
She realized that through her musings she had reached the castle gates. She knocked on the door before her and waited for Steve to let her in as he did every morning. Sure enough the door swung open and she walked through the threshold. She walked over to the kitchens where she had been stationed. Her job was making sure the castle fires were always lit, she passed Jeremy as he was heading home after doing the night shift. She started stoking them and for the first time that day but certainly not the last, she was glad for her job but wished she had something better to do that was less exhausting. She had been applying other places but not many places would hire Mages anymore due to a fear that they would be targeted next.
Sherry has no other option for the time being so she continued her work. When it was time to take her first break she went out into the courtyard, she was all sweaty and dirty but she didn't care, she dunked her head in the fountain to cool off some and then sat down on a nearby bench. She was just thinking about her latest project when she saw a man approaching, she hadn't seen him before but he was a Mage she could tell that much. She wondered if he would come and say hi or not.
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dreamerx
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Post by dreamerx on Jun 13, 2010 10:59:05 GMT -5
EEEK! I feel like am an Idiot ================================ A day later after the commission... Clive usually races the dayspring and awakes the others. Preparing himself for a new day, but still tired after the long scouting missions, though. He makes sure that he buckles his box of vials and his notes, the notes are more or less a tome. Before he even attaches them, he examines the vials and its content, as well as his notes. As the rest of his teammate awakes, he prepares the planning room, that's after droping a joke or two in the barrack's kitchen. Clive, and the rest of his team were preparing a plan to infiltrate the enemy camp. Knowingly, that there are only two paths to infiltrate, one was the Sluice Gate and the other was the Border Pass. Clive resented both of the plans, and explained the flaws in the plans . Instead, he presented one of his innovative ideas to the scout team; using the Mountain River to infiltrate. Again, he explained the risk factor of this plan, that is the Team member could lose each other during infiltration. He says that border pass will be a dangerous route, as there are hundred of counter-scouts, and the forest is filled with traps and a squad of ambushers. As for the Sluice Gate, there are hundred of soldier line-up and it is impossible for them to reach their destination. The teammates are concentrating more, as Clive is going to present his idea. With that been said, Clive begin explaining. His explanation of the Mountain River, with Clive already been there. The mountain river is somewhat a steep and hard to navigate place. There will be less soldier at Day time in contrast to that of the Night Time. It is better to navigate and engage with the Guards at day time, and not only that but also passing the river will be easier. The mismatch will only happen if the river water level begins to rise. All of his teammates started nodding as a sign of approval. So, he announces another meeting after the break. Later that noon. Peter, a member of the inflitration Team met with Clive to make a backup plan. Clive did not undermined the idea, he took it under consideration. As Peter about to leave, Clive gave him a note, Clive said to give this to Millard. After the break. Clive assembled the members to ready out the necessary equipments. Though, Clive is the only one who is bringing extra laggage, his ledger and his box of vials. One the Senior members asked Clive in why bringing those, Clive responded that both of these are his asset with a wide smile. This baffled the members. Clive just remembered that he is going to venture with new members who aren't accustomed to his weird habits. Later that evening. He spent looking west towards western Kingdom Of Jurenka out of the training ground's watchtower. Whilst watching the scape, he remembers those days he spent there. Later that moment, someone started to call him down. He looked down the tower, someone with a Mage Gown, but he was sure he didn't recognize him. But he came down to talk to that person. ========= Past tense+Present tense!?? I am doing something wrong here. =================== Edited - Explained, explained, omitted. If you do not see any mistake, then please proceed to next lesson.
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Post by UsagiOkami on Jun 18, 2010 1:33:53 GMT -5
What commission? In a first post you must explain what the character is doing thoroughly. If the commission was mentioned in a previous post then that is fine. but since it is your first post it has to be properly explained. What are his two most important things? That must be explained. Even if it is just to say "Clive made sure to buckle on his too keychains that his brother made him before he left, they were his most important things because of the memories they brought him." Would be better. Always use detail when explaining something for the first time.
If you are going to have something like that where he shoots down two ideas and proposes another then you need to show the event. Especially since you are just a scout and therefore wouldn't be allowed to talk much in the first place. Unless of course they had reason to heed your advice which would need to be stated as well.
Good all the way up to the last part. You didn't explain them. If you are going to explain something so important to the character then explain it.
This part I can find no immediate flaw with. It explains itself well and allows for the next person to post.
As I said normally it is past tense so you actually did that part pretty well.
Overall it is pretty good aside from the things I mentioned already. Mostly you just need more practice. I can see what you mean about your English but with enough practice even that shouldn't be a problem. Not to mention after a while of RP'ing with a person you learn their quirks and then they are of no consequence anymore.
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Post by UsagiOkami on Jun 30, 2010 11:46:58 GMT -5
Alright you fixed just about everything. The only thing that I see that you missed was in why they would even hear your idea. If you are going to go against the governments plans you have to have a reason that they won't just lock you up for insubordination lol.
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dreamerx
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CyberPunk 'r' us.
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Post by dreamerx on Jul 1, 2010 2:05:46 GMT -5
Alright you fixed just about everything. The only thing that I see that you missed was in why they would even hear your idea. If you are going to go against the governments plans you have to have a reason that they won't just lock you up for insubordination lol. Well, according to the story. He is now the commander of the the Sentry and scout squads. I should have mentioned that... lazy me... They were forming Ideas on how to pass the borders. With his intellect no body would have doubt him, and his idea would also made the story move on. Well, If I had not put that "River overflow" thing, he would never even getting a hold of the rest of the RP-ers. ===== I should have made things clearer; it would have been better, wouldn't it?
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Post by UsagiOkami on Jul 3, 2010 20:34:16 GMT -5
Well, according to the story. He is now the commander of the the Sentry and scout squads. I should have mentioned that... lazy me... They were forming Ideas on how to pass the borders. With his intellect no body would have doubt him, and his idea would also made the story move on. Well, If I had not put that "River overflow" thing, he would never even getting a hold of the rest of the RP-ers. ===== I should have made things clearer; it would have been better, wouldn't it? Ah that would make sense. Yeah all you would have to do is mention that and all misunderstandings about that would be easily cleared. Simple fix for a simple problem. Actually one RP'er is never the only reason a story progresses, usually they progress their own story and meet up along the way if they even want to. Sometimes players go solo or tag team with another. They don't always play in set groups like in the Space Theater RP. Often times the main plot is there and the players just run free and make their own stories and their own plans. So unless there is a specific person you are looking to travel and play with you wouldn't need to go out of your way to make a way to find them, they would just walk into a courtyard and make their presence known to you.
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dreamerx
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CyberPunk 'r' us.
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Post by dreamerx on Jul 4, 2010 3:14:42 GMT -5
Ah that would make sense. Yeah all you would have to do is mention that and all misunderstandings about that would be easily cleared. Simple fix for a simple problem. Actually one RP'er is never the only reason a story progresses, usually they progress their own story and meet up along the way if they even want to. Sometimes players go solo or tag team with another. They don't always play in set groups like in the Space Theater RP. Often times the main plot is there and the players just run free and make their own stories and their own plans. So unless there is a specific person you are looking to travel and play with you wouldn't need to go out of your way to make a way to find them, they would just walk into a courtyard and make their presence known to you. Wow, I didn't knew that. Perhaps it is common misconception on RPs. All in all, it is done. Anyway, I wonder if there will be a next lesson(since I got the introduction magic spell).
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Post by UsagiOkami on Jul 5, 2010 13:34:10 GMT -5
Well it depends on the RP as well as the players. Some need the encouragement to start and others just jump into the story and progress things how they see fit. If the maker of the RP thinks that it needs to have its direction changed they might nudge some people in the right direction or warn players that they are getting out of hand. But usually in my experience the need for one person to make the RP continue or progress is done when there is not enough people posting or if they were directed to by the owner as a part of a plot device. But normally people don't follow set paths and they don't always group up with others.
Well you seem to have the basic intro down relatively well, the only thing that will improve it more is practice in writing them. So now we will work on character interaction! I will make a post and we will see how you can manage.
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Jeremy walked along the paths he usually took to reach his job in the castle proper. He had managed to elevate his status from lowly apprentice to Court Weather Mage when his master died from the poison. Normally Jeremy would have been considered as too inexperienced to be a Court Mage but since he was the most skilled of all the weather Mages he was promoted to the position.
He normally walked his usual routes but this time he decided to mix things up and go a different way. His deviation led him to a courtyard where he paused to look around. The flowers were in bloom and he found the overall view very pleasant. He was about to move on when he caught glimpse of another Mage standing inside of a nearby guard tower.
It wasn't often that he met with other Mages since his job kept him out of sight of many. He waved to the Mage out of habit of being friendly. Part of him hoped that the Mage would want to walk since he looked rather young for a Mage making him one of the many that replaced the higher powered Mages that had died. He saw the Mage coming down and wondered what the Mages powers were, perhaps they would be friends. Or not. Jeremy didn't know what the outcome would be but he figured that his day was going to be a little bit different.
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dreamerx
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CyberPunk 'r' us.
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Post by dreamerx on Jul 14, 2010 11:10:11 GMT -5
Okay. ==========
Clive, heard the man from below the watch tower, calling him. It had disturbed his tranquillity.
Nevertheless, he stepped down the wooden ladder, the ladders were old enough to break creaking sound. Stepped on the grass ground of the barracks training grounds.
Turning his body away from the ladder, and now facing the man with firm pose and crossed arms. Clive uttered a "Yes" as response to the man's earlier call.
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Post by UsagiOkami on Jul 14, 2010 11:19:07 GMT -5
Nununununu That will NOT do. Do you know how much Power Playing you just did there? I just took over that character meaning he is not a NPC, meaning you can't answer for him or assume any of his actions. So long as a player is in control of a character and and all things that they do are their own and unless another player has permission they cannot do anything with their character that the person has not already written.
Write a new one please.
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